


[???]

by anna_sun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coming Out, Gay, Queer Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:36:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3669366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_sun/pseuds/anna_sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam coming out as... not straight I guess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[???]

**Author's Note:**

> I imagine he's bisexual or pansexual or asexual or????????? I don't know. Queer Sam for the win, that's all I have to say.

''Have you ever wondered if you were gay?'' 

Sam lets the words fall off his tongue as easily as he can, looking nonchalantly around their empty motel room and trying to figure out what to do with his hands now. He brings up his legs so his feet can rest flat on the mattress and hugs his knees. Then, somewhat comfortable, he tries to ignore the pounding of his heart when Dean's eyes grow wide, as if he's scared of Sam's words. His brother almost looks more scared than he looks when he finds himself standing before any monster, and Sam knows Dean really well and he knows how to read him and the face he's making, his mouth slightly open like he's choking on air and his eyebrows raised up to his hairline, that's fear. 

It's almost harder to accept Dean's afraid of the possibilities of that question than it was to realize he himself was scared to death about it. Dean could only be afraid of one thing in this situation, and that one thing is Sam maybe being gay, or whatever the hell he is, and oh god. 

Sam doesn't remember regretting a lot of the things he did, probably because he's only 14 and he has yet to make some horrible mistake, but he regrets those words. He wishes they never even were a thing he thought about.

But they were, and Sam already had opened his mouth, and Dean was slowly remembering words were a thing and was about to answer. 

''Um, no, I haven't. Why?'' Sam only hears the awkwardness in Dean's answer, and it's not like it's a surprise Dean's awkward about it because it's still _Dean,_ but right now everything just becomes way too real. 

He has the guts to ask his brother if he ever questioned his sexuality, and now he can't think of any logical answer to give him as to Why he did it. Great. 

''I mean, I just, I don't know. It's just that like, sometimes I, oh god. Okay. Just... never mind.'' 

_I asked you because I have never been more confused about anything else, and you're the only person I can talk to, and some people on the internet say you don't have to make a big deal out of finding a label for yourself but it's like I don't feel complete without one, it's like I can't be myself if i'm not sure about whatever my sexuality is, and I just want to know if I can relate to you on this. I want you to tell me it's alright and that you got through this too and that i'm normal, just like you._

That was why, but Dean couldn't hear that. Dean wasn't ready to hear it and Sam wasn't ready to say it, and so he decides to let the silence fall over them for a while. Sam needs comfort and he tries to find it in the way silence hugs him, closing his eyes. 

But Dean wouldn't have that, because he had gotten over himself and was now in Big Worried Brother Mode, and there was no way of stopping him from talking now.

''No, not never mind.'' Dean almost sounds offended, and Sam opens his eyes to shyly look at him. ''You asked a question, I answered, now it's your turn to answer mine. That's a fair deal. Why did you ask?'' 

To a stranger Dean would look almost rude, with Sam sitting there clearly uncomfortable and him just pushing it. But Dean gets up and sits across from Sam, with one leg crossed on the bed and the other hanging on the edge of it, his eyes not leaving Sam's ones. He talked like he wanted to be rude, but now his face is screaming ''I'm worried Sammy, please talk to me.'' 

Maybe if this was another day, Sam would've spit words like ''I said never mind Dean, I don't want to talk about it. Just leave it, okay? You don't have to know every single damn thing.'' But today Sam's tired and he hasn't got the energy for a fight in him.

He tries not to think too much and to sound convincing.  

''Cause sometimes I wonder. And I mean, if you haven't then you can't help me, right? So it's fine. I'm fine. Don't worry.'' Sam knows he told truths wrapped up in the big lie that is 'I'm fine', and he hopes Dean will drop it, but as soon as he looks at Dean's face, he knows he won't. 

''Sometimes you wonder? Like, you look at some guy's ass and think 'Damn, that's a-''

''Dean, what the hell, no. Just, don't, okay? Don't.'' 

Silence. 

''It's not even about me liking the male body or whatever,'' Sam tries, knowing his voice is shaky. ''I don't even know if i'm attracted to anything. But sometimes I think about it and I mean, it's not something I feel disgusted by. Like, being in a relationship with a guy. That's obviously not how you feel, so that means it's not... so it means i'm not normal. I don't know, I must be... I don't know.''

Sam decides he can't stay there anymore, just sitting on a bed looking helplessly at his brother trying to put the words he just said together, and so he gets up. He gets up and walks a really short distance until he finds himself looking at an empty parking lot through a dirty window. Any view was better than looking at Dean. 

''You're not not normal. I just never thought about it that way. But it's totally okay that you do, it's just... i'm surprised. It's kind of weird.'' 

Sam feels the anger burning up inside him but doesn't bother turning around to look at Dean as he says, 

''Yeah, nice. It's kind of weird. Great.'' 

Dean sighs, somehow annoyed, and with it Sam feels his brain turning to nothing. This is way worse than it should be, because Dean should be able to find the right words and Sam shouldn't have to say anything at all, and he really thought he would feel better after finally saying it all out loud to someone else, especially Dean, but he doesn't. Yes he feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, but somehow it's like he's floating in an even worse atmosphere than before. Now Dean thinks it's 'kind of weird'. Dean doesn't understand.

''God fucking damn it Sammy, I didn't mean it like that and you know it. What did you expect me to say?''

What did he expect him to say? 

''I don't... I don't know.'' He really didn't.

A sigh leaves Dean's lips one more time, but this time it's short and Sam can almost hear the smile behind it. He's still looking at a trash can outside like it's the most valuable thing in the world, he doesn't dare turning around in case he meets Dean's eyes. It's not long before he hears steps behind him and suddenly, but gently, there's a pair of firm hands on his shoulders. It's comforting, just the touch of his hands. Sam wants a hug who will last days and he wants to cuddle like he's 5 again and he craves so much more of the comfort Dean's giving him right now, but he knows he can't have it.

Dean tugs a bit on them, and Sam knows he has to turn around now.

Dean's eyes aren't full of tears like his owns, and his face seems... neutral. He licks his lips before talking,

''Look. I don't care who you go out with. Guys, girls, both, neither. I don't give a shit, I really don't. But I do care about you. So, I know you're confused and like, if you ever want to talk about it some more? I'm... I'm your big brother. You know I'm here.'' 

Sam can't do anything else but nod, but even then he knows Dean understands. _Thank you_ , it means. _I can't say anything right now but thank you_.

Dean nods back before friendly patting him on the back, and Sam weirdly feels relieved. This could have been worse.

''So, what do you wanna eat?''  

 

 

    

 


End file.
